Letter to
the foreign biker in Amsterdam
Dear tourist, welcome to our beautiful
city of Amsterdam. You have just finished hiring a bicycle. Before
you go ahead and tour the streets, seeking art, drugs or a
combination of both, let me give you a bit of explanation about the
rules for bicycle traffic as understood by the local authorities.
- You have the right to do anything you
like, as long as you are sitting on your bike. As soon as you
dismount, you become a normal mortal again.
- Pedestrians have no rights
whatsoever. Ignore them completely.
- Cars are inanimate objects. Act as if
they don’t exist. You will be just fine.
- Signaling which way you want to turn
is uncool. Bikers in Amsterdam convey their intentions
telepathically. So please refrain at all times from sticking your arm
out to the right, if you plan to turn right. Don't do it neither if
you plan to turn left (indicating the wrong direction is even more
uncool.) People will wait patientely to cross the street till they
get the telepathic message you are giving off. Beware of other
tourists, though: they are less fully telepathic and may cross the
street even though you have just sent a powerful mind message that
you wanted to go that way. Run into them. They are obsolete remnants
of a bygone society.
- In Amsterdam there are no such things
as pavements. What you may take for a pavement or sidewalk is in fact
another kind of cycling lane.
- A round dark-blue sign with two white
human figures on it indicates that this will be the perfect lane to
attain top speed.
- A green bicycle on a traffic light
means that all vehicles coming from your left side have priority.
- On an ordinary cycle path you should
not expect to be able to cruise easily. Every time you try to do
this, a young woman will track you down, come along and pass you.
Then, tired from the exhausting effort of catching up with you, she
will slow down right in front of you. You then have two choices:
either you decide to stay behind her, in which case you will have to
slow down too, or you can choose to pass her, in which case you will
have to accelerate. Neither option will allow you to conserve the
velocity of your own choice.
- After overtaking another biker, make
sure you pull back as quickly as possible in order to have him hit
the brakes. It is done regularly and works miracles on the average
speed.
- Only scooters have more rights than
cyclists. They will pass you at any time, even if their vehicle is
too wide for the bicycle lane. They will especially pass you while
you wait at the traffic lights, only to stop right in front of you
with their motor running. Consider purchasing a dust mask.
- If the rental offers scooters, take
one. You will be the king of the road. You will have a wonderful
network of cycling lanes all to yourself (besides a few bikers, of
whom you will not have to take any notice at all). You will be
allowed to park on the pavements, in front of doors and everywhere
you fancy.
- When you check your phone messages,
make sure you slow down and lurch from side to side across the bike
lane so the people behind you will know what you are doing.
- At the rental, the only cycle left is
equipped with those awful back-pedal brakes, while you are accustomed
to hand brakes only... Take it. You won't need the brakes anyway.
- In short, the basic principle is to
go as fast as you can, looking neither right nor left.
That's about it really. I do hope you
enjoy your stay. See you again soon!
Imke Wederrups
Touristenburo Amsterdam
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